It's amazing what you can think about when you can't sleep. Truely things have come full circle in my life it seems. For the first time in a while even with the painful undertones I can look back at everything thats happened with those that I care about and I can see every decision I've ever made. Even funnier than that is that I don't regret one of them. Especially the ones that have led me to this point in life.

I'm engaged. In love. And happy. Well for the most part anyways. As with all things life can't be perfect and that doesn't seem to surprise me either. Even though it hurts I suppose we all take the steps away from our families and most especially our parents that I'm taking now. I will always love my parents and there is nothing that can really change that. Even though right now things are strained due to the holidays and the current happenings with the rest of the family.


However that does not mean that there will come a time when I take that final step away from them so that I am completely on my own. Even though that will never happen truely because no matter what we are never alone in this life. Someone will always be there when you need them the most. even when you don't want to admit that to yourself or anyone else.


Even still I can see that outcome approaching no matter how much I would rather it not. There comes a time when everyone must face a decision they don't want to make and I think this is going to be mine. Simply because all things have a breaking point. Hopefully this is not the true breaking point when it comes to family relations, instead I hope it is more of a small seperation of opposing wills.


Mostly for my mothers sake if for no one else. Things have not been easy for anyone lately this I understand but sometimes something has to give and I would rather not be the one to do so this time. Maybe things won't come to that but in case they do I can only hope for the best.

It doesn't seem like much has changed over the last couple years but so much has. I can look back and honestly say I did not think I would reach this point in my life simply because of the pain that was involved. It's amazing what a little time and patience can achieve. Even though I wasn't always patient. And I wasn't always as believing as I let others believe I was.

I can only say that I decieved you so that you would not worry. Those of you know who you are and you know what I'm talking about. Time called for the little lies and I can hope that you will understand. I never was as whole as I let one back then. Nor was I ever really at home when I seemed it.

Time heals all wounds and in the end I found that that is true, if you have the time to wait. Sometimes I didn't think I did. *smiles faintly* Sometimes I truly was broken and struggling but only a few know just how bad that got. Even with all that I still don't regret anything. It's amazing that I don't. And to be honest...

I think I forgive the ones involved.

Maybe not so much forgive....

Hm. I'm not sure how I feel about it all anymore actually. I don't know if it really matters anymore but at the same time I dont think I'm ready to let it go. It's been a test of will and of belief, of love and trust, and of hope and despair. Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about and I hope you never have to go through it but for those that do understand. That do know, don't give up hope.

A wise friend once told me one thing that I have never been able to forget.

Do not doubt. Doubt kills.

We don't talk anymore but I do think about the past alot. Maybe things could have been different if we had seen certain things coming, but then again maybe not.

My grandfather told me once, that friends come and go, some are only meant for a short time and some are meant for life but you'll never forget the ones that were meant to teach you something. I didn't understand it back then but I do now.

So I won't forget, and I won't let the lesson go to waste. No matter how things have turned out there is still a lot of wisdom in that statement.

The worst thing is... I still can't sleep...